My Journey with an Eating Disorder (Pt.2)
By Christina Rosati
To read part 1 of Christina's story, click here.
In this time, I had done well in high school gotten into University, all the while masking this inward struggle and keeping it unknown to those closest to me. It was easy for me to do once I looked more of a “normal weight”. With life changes associated with university, living away from home, and the new stresses I had to face, my eating disorder intensified. I had no idea it was coming, but the next three years living away at school would be the hardest of my life. As my loneliness, depression and anxiety got worse my eating disorder became my companion, temporarily working to distract me and fill the surface of deep voids in my heart. It was the only source of control I felt I had. I distanced myself from a loving relationship, my grades began to drop, and I switched programs twice. I was completely lost. I ended up back home feeling hopeless, in a deep depression, and not knowing how to help myself.
By God’s grace I was able to go to Homewood Health Center for a three-month recovery program. I believe that the professionals there were sent from God, helping myself and others open our hearts and heal together. My time at Homewood brought me to acknowledge many areas in my life where I was deeply hurt, deeply broken. And with this hardened heart now cracked open, God intervened in a profound way. I found myself at the feet of Jesus and I knew that’s where I had always wanted to be. I felt His love so powerful. So special. So for me. So ready to heal me.
Growing up Catholic, I always have known Jesus to be my savior. Although, I can confidently say I didn’t know Jesus; the hardships of His humanness, sacrifice through His trials, and magnitude of His love. I didn’t know Him to want a deep relationship with me. After all, who was I? Since a young girl I often felt very afflicted with my insecurities and self worth. I thought I always had to be better and that had to come from me. I know now that this is just not true. I finally understood where those things were supposed to be found all along. Not in other people, or in myself, but in Jesus. I finally knew the treasure of my hearts longing. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). My worth, lovability, beauty- it comes from the price Jesus paid on the cross. It comes from my creation as a child of God. It doesn’t have to do with me ‘doing’ anything.
Slowly, but all in His time, God began to heal and repair the breaks inside that my illness thrived on. Slowly, but all in His time, God spoke to me through scripture: "You have stayed long enough at this mountain” Deuteronomy 1:6.
I know now that the straight line without breaks or edges is not authentic at all. It is destructive and not real. I’ve learned that those breaks and trying times we face are unbelievably necessary. They cause us to run back home into our creator’s love; into the plan He always had for us as He desperately waited our return. The breaks are so very beautiful because they teach us to listen and hear our Lord’s knocking. He wants to come into our house and our hearts. He has been waiting there all along.