The Desires of the Feminine Heart
I sat on the school bus and watched them. I was fourteen and had just finished my first day of high school. Two girls on the bus were applying their eye shadow and their concealer. They were the most popular girls in grade nine, and I thought they had it all. I wanted to be like them. I wondered what it would take to be like them. To be known, to be accepted, to be validated. “That’s it!” I thought “That’s what I want, that’s who I want to be”.
For the years leading up to high school, I had gone unnoticed by my peers. I always longed to be accepted and to belong. As a little girl I desired to have these questions answered, “Am I lovely? Do you delight in me? Am I worthy?” Every little girl longs to be affirmed, to be told that she is worthy, to be scooped up in the arms of her daddy and showed off to the world. These questions left unanswered left a void in my heart, and I decided that if I wanted to have these longings fulfilled, I would have to be like the girls I saw on the bus. Bright pink earrings and a matching bright pink purse wouldn’t do anymore. I would redefine myself and have a fresh start. I decided it was time, time to change.
I took up this decision and I started to change. Externally and internally. I changed the colour of my hair from my natural golden brown to black. I put on the same eyeshadow and concealer the girls had put on the bus ride home. I made an effort to be around those girls and act different. One day in grade nine in English class, it was that moment I would talk to her. The girl on the bus. I turned around and started to chat with her and we hit it off. From that day on we were meeting at our lockers after class, spending time after school. To my surprise and delight, we became best friends and I achieved what one would call “popularity status”. On the outside, it would seem that I got what my heart desired and longed for as a little girl- acceptance, belonging, affirmation, being noticed. For some time, I felt like the curtains had been pulled back and I wasn’t behind the scenes anymore. I felt like I was finally affirmed, I finally felt like I was a star. What I didn’t realize then was that it was superficial and the longings to be affirmed were not fulfilled in the depths of my heart. Changing didn’t come without a cost. I lost my innocent spirit and forgot who I truly was in Jesus. I wasn’t left out anymore but it was a constant struggle. I did not simply achieve this status, it was a constant effort. I never truly felt like I was accepted for whom I was as a person. I was accepted for who I was pretending to be.
After that, I spent nearly every moment of my life for about two years trying to make myself more attractive to those around me but It never seemed to work. No matter how nicely I did my make-up, I still didn’t look like the girls in Vogue. Not matter how hard I tried to dress “right” I still didn’t look like Christina Milian. No matter how many guys were interested in me, there were always a plethora of other girls that got far more male approval than I did and I always ended up with a broken heart.
The truth was that I already was a princess in the eyes of my Heavenly Father and I didn’t have to strive for acceptance from the world. By His goodness, I found new friends in high school and discovered my beauty in Him. The desires that I had as a young girl, and even have to this day as a woman, to be loved, to be desired, to have a beauty to unveil, were placed inside me by the One who created me. Although every woman is a unique creation of God, we share an essence at our cores. We share desires.
According to the book "Captivating", every woman’s heart holds three core desires:
- the desire to play an unique role in an adventure;
- the desire to be romanced; and
- the desire to have a beauty to unveil.
Because of these desires that God placed in every woman, every little girls asks the question: “Am I lovely? Do you delight in me? Am I worthy?” These desires are not a result of the fall; they are part of our glory as women. But since we do live in a fallen world, because of physically and emotionally absent fathers, broken families, and broken hearts, we may look in the wrong places to find this fulfillment. I did not have these questions answered as a little girl and I struggled to have them answered as a teenager. Maybe you haven’t had these questions answered as a little girl either. Maybe you desire so much to know that you are cherished and noticed because you’ve been left out for so long. You haven’t gone unnoticed by your Heavenly Father, you belong to him. You are the apple of His eye and he wants to answer those questions for you today. He is saying: “Little girl, I delight in you. I love you. I hold you in the palm of my hand. You are mine” (Zephaniah 3:18, John 3:16, Isaiah 43:1).
Ladies, God created you with a feminine heart and it is your feminine heart that he wants to restore to its fullness. Part of your mission as a woman is that you carry His image to the world using your feminine heart. Ask yourself: What makes me come alive as a woman? What do I love to do? What brings me joy? What talents has God put inside me? What songs, movies and books do I like? These are some of the unique qualities that make you who you are.
“…the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God….” (1 Peter 3:4).
Can you imagine radiating Christ with such a divine inner beauty that everyone who met you could not help but be awed and inspired? You become the radiant, beautiful princess of our childhood dreams by becoming completely consumed by Jesus. This is the meaning of reflecting God through our inner beauty. It’s time we turn our eyes to the Creator of our feminine heart, and we will glow with Divine loveliness.
You are lovely. You are delighted in. You are worthy.