Brokenness to Beauty

The following free-verse piece was inspired by memories in the author’s life.

“Sin covers her frail face and decorates the creases. So hollow, broken, so tampered.

Secrets swirl inside these walls like hidden whispers in a hall where no one listens. No one hears.

Heaviness weighs down on her spirit, crushing her lungs, claustrophobic from the womb.

Sorrow spills down her eyes, one tear for compromise and one tear for regret.

She wasn’t wanted by Her, same flesh, same nose, same stubbornness.

20 something years ago, her mother clenched her belly as she felt this little life growing.

2 months, 4, 6, lost count. Nausea, tears, fear, bile.

So much remorse. This wasn’t the life her mother dreamed of.

She wanted the prince and white picket fence, but settled for the thief and run-down apartment.”

I was conceived out of compromise, not out of love. My mother wanted a family but was running out of time. She met my father and decided to go for it. It was just a rite of passage for her. Get married, have kids, live as a family. She was on the pursuit of happiness. She was looking for the promise that movies made to her. But she was let down.

My father did not treasure her or know what he had. He played with her heart, manipulated her feelings and hit her with his words and hands. She was pregnant, alone and scared. She had no family to turn to. When my father was notified about my gender, he wasn’t thrilled. He wanted a strong boy to carry on his athletic glory and fame. I was not what they had in mind. I was brought into brokenness and I had to survive. I trudged through life, trying to make my life matter; I was trying to prove that I was worth it, I was worth their façade of a marriage, I was worth the labor pains, I was worth my mother’s heartache.

“Why do I feel unwanted? Why do I feel I have no right to exist? Does my life have purpose?” These questions racked my brain as I tried to make sense of my existence. I wanted answers to all these questions and I wanted to be able to start my life and make it about something more. I felt so stuck and lost. Suddenly the possibilities of astronauts, fire fighters, lawyers and teachers ceased to exist for me. Those lives were not made for me. I just had to get through this day, the next one and the one after that.

My parents finally called it quits and my mom and I were on our own. Cockroach-infested apartments, no money and a new school with new people to ignore me.  I was trying to be something, do something, do anything to be validated. But at 14, I was exhausted, I couldn’t try anymore. So I stopped caring and trying for a while, I just aimlessly lived and then I suddenly realized: my parents were just as broken as me. They weren’t broken in the same places but there were cracks. I heard the following quote somewhere: “To be human is to be beautifully flawed.” This made me realize that my parents were just like me, helplessly looking for some speck of happiness to fill the enormous void inside. They were just as lost, just as confused and just as lonely. They were just like me and they are part of me whether I want to accept it or not. They too felt unwanted, stuck in a broken marriage, but brokenness can also bring forth beauty.

My life is beautiful. Even if it was unplanned, a burden and not celebrated, my life has still brought joy, life and passion to the world.  My journey towards my faith in God has been a long, gruelling, raw and bitter journey. I have been up my own Calvary and carried my own little cross. I have felt the rejection, sorrow and betrayal that comes with loved ones turning their backs to me. But I take heart when I remember one important thing: I wasn’t the first one to be unwanted, I wasn’t the first one to be lonely, confused and unaccepted. Jesus took all these feelings and crosses and nails and insults upon Himself for love of me. He loved me even when I didn’t love myself. He knows me and I am trying to know Him more as each day passes. The following quote brought me great peace and helped me reflect on the great transaction of love between Jesus and I:

“Sanctity is not giving up the world. It is exchanging the world. It is a continuation of that sublime transaction of the Incarnation in which Christ said to man: You give me your humanity, I will give you my divinity. You give me your time, I will give you my eternity. You give me your slavery, I will give you my freedom. You give me your death, I will give you my life. You give me your nothingness, I will give you my all. And the consoling thought throughout this whole transforming process is that it does not require much time to make us saints; it requires only much love.” Venerable Fulton Sheen

Jesus forfeited everything for me. He made me believe that He died for me so that I may live a full, joyful, abundant life and He wants the same for you! Take courage, persevere, I know your cross feels like it is cutting through your shoulders and the pressure is just too intense. But find hope in the fact that you were not the first. He was the first to die and He carried all your burdens out of love of you!

Know that you are planned, wanted and loved by God. You are precious and so dearly loved and cherished. You are His. We are praying for you.