I currently am in a state of stillness and am at a crossroads where there is no set plan ahead of me and that terrifies me. I have tried to run and stay busy to avoid hearing God’s voice but I realized something along the way. When I try to block out God’s voice from entering my heart, I am also stopping true peace from entering.
I recently went to Sunday Mass and the homily was about my favourite play “Pygmalion” which was converted into a famous musical called “My Fair Lady” starring Audrey Hepburn. In the movie, Hepburn sings a song called “Show Me” that asks her suitor to show her how much he loves her.
The deacon was comparing Hepburn’s desire for true love with courtship and he related it to how Jesus desires to have us show Him how much we love Him. This notion got me thinking me about my relationship with Jesus. I treated it like a lottery ticket. I would hope for the jackpot and start scratching the ticket but I would miss the opportunity to finish scratching the ticket completely because I would give up half way and figure I could never win the jackpot. I would just throw the ticket away and never know what could have happened if I stuck it through and waited. I don’t know how to wait on Jesus and I don’t know how to be still.
Being still allows myself to slow down and to be vulnerable to my inner poverty and that makes me so scared. Jesus desires my patience and my whole heart. I cannot treat my faith and prayer life like a lottery ticket anymore and I can’t give up half way because I allow cynicism and despair to settle in without giving prayer a true shot. Take a risk on love.
This homily got me thinking about authentic love, agape, and the notion of dying to self. St. Paul prays that God may sanctify his people “wholly,” with “spirit and soul and body” so that we may be kept sound and blameless at the Lord’s coming. “Spirit” signifies that from creation, a person’s soul has the power to be raised beyond all it deserves to be in communion with God. The Church also emphasizes the heart, the depths of one’s being, which is what God chooses to be united with for always. Our poor, rugged, broken hearts is what Jesus treasures. He wants to hold us in the palms of His nailed hands so that He might heal all the pains that pushed our hearts to its sorry state, all the sorrows that left us breathless with our throat closed up, heaving with tears. He wants all of it. And he wants it the way it is. Amidst its mangled and ratty state, that is the only way He will accept it because we were created to rely on Him as our source of love. This is the only man that will EVER love me this way. He is the only one who can fill up this void that gnaws at me each morning and each night. Our hearts desire Heaven and desire true communion with the divine. How can I die to my own desires and let Jesus shine through my life? How can I let my small life bear light on others’ lives? What gifts and charisms do I possess that I can use to glorify Christ? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but I am on the watch for it.