I am the Beloved of God

As a little girl I would daydream with my sister about my future and all the possibilities.
The sky was the limit. I knew I wanted more for myself so that I could escape the mediocrity that shadowed my life.

I had a set plan. You know the plan ladies-

-graduate university
-get a great job, meet a good man
-get married
-own the white picket fenced house

How did this become my life? This was not the plan.

I had never known a good man – I had no examples to look up to. I never believed that men could act with chivalry and honor. I desired love so badly but I did not want to open my heart and let vulnerability seep through. I had to be strong. I had to make sure no one knew my suffering. Flashbacks of rejection and loss flooded my memories like a spreading infection. My birth was not a moment of joy but a moment of anxiety and sorrow.
My father mourned that I was not a boy.

If I did nothing wrong by entering this world, why did it feel like it was my fault? Why was it so difficult to really love me? I was plagued with self-loathing – there was so much unforgiveness rooted in my heart. I didn’t feel like I was lovable or worthy of true love.

Pain has a funny way of healing itself. Internalizing vows like “I will never let someone control me” or “I will never be wrong or let people into my heart” seared through my soul and stayed there like a stubborn stain. I didn’t want to trust people. I didn’t want to depend on anyone that could hurt me again.

My heart became cold and I shunned and mocked those who believed in true love. Until one fine day, I finally I realized something. I was not living my life. I was practising my life. I was doing the motions and fulfilling my obligations with no attachment. I was living a hollow life and I was terrified that this safety shield would be exposed for all to see. At a retreat, I finally met Jesus. He showed me His scars and showed me exactly how He paid the price of my sins for love of me. The pain and rejection that I experienced was already paid for by the perfect man. God has a way of turning the worst, most unlovable aspects of us into something beautiful that becomes the very best part of us. I’ve been forgiven by Him who is perfect and blameless. He took my sins as His own and so, I too, need to forgive. Forgiving someone did not make the act or pain go away. It freed me to love.

If I never knew loss, I would never know love. If I never knew sorrow, I would never know joy. If I never knew despair, I would never know hope.

Love makes all the suffering worth it. I was robbed of joy in my childhood but now I know that Jesus has made me to live abundantly and to the fullest. Joy permeates my being
because I know that my life has purpose.

It is time to take apart each brick that is laid outside my heart.

If I could only lay down my mind to rest from its reeling,

the sky would clear and shine His face.

I wander through this queue of the lonely; the only heart I know is His.

Only in His arms does my heart feel light.

Surrender to despair is no option.

Hope is the only thing keeping me afloat.

I cannot lose myself in the fleeting lust of the finite.

Veiled as a bride, adorned in white,

I choose to save what is most valuable.

I am the Beloved’s and His desire is for me.